Derpy Dirk and the Fight with the School Bully by the Flagpole at Lunch (The Quirky, Nerdy, and Entirely Original Elementary School Adventures of Derpy Dirk Book 1)
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Derpy Dirk is your average kid, except for one thing: he's totally nerdy and quirky and not actually average at all! Join Dirk in this kooky adventure as he tries to get along with his annoying and often physically abusive siblings, withstands an unrelenting onslaught of juvenile humor, and even faces the dreaded school bully in a battle that is quite literally to-the-death. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and I will be rewarded by scoring millions of sales and a movie deal for following the same tired formula that your kids eat up every single time.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY A CHILDREN'S BOOK. CHILDREN WHO READ THIS BOOK WILL BECOME CONFUSED AND/OR CRY.